Sunday, April 26, 2009

I Hate Mosquitoes

There was a mosquito on the bathroom wall today. As I went to smash it and end it's horrible life, I jammed my thumb against the wall really hard. So now I look like a cartoon character that hit himself in the thumb with a hammer. Don't worry, the mosquito died. I passionately hate all mosquitoes. We used to have this big wall in our kitchen where we'd kill mosquitoes. It'd make my mom mad because we didn't clean up the bodies after we smashed them. It was only half us being lazy, and the other half me leaving them there as a warning to other mosquitoes. I really wish I could meet with the head mosquito and agree to leave out a little bowl of blood that they could eat instead of them biting me. At this point in human development, the little itchy bump doesn't do anything to hinder my ability to live, so it's just an annoyance. I would be totally okay with being bit if they didn't leave mosquito bites. Also, beyond the mosquito bites, I hate it when there's a mosquito in my room at night and it buzzes in my ear. Really? Just bite me and stop pissing me off. It just encourages me to go out of my way to kill you. On another note, have you ever seen a male mosquito? They're huge and horrifying, but ya know what? They at least don't bite me.

I was reading some today, and this was my favorite one:

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

So I really want to dilate someone's eye and look around for a while. I saw almost nothing during the little physical we did. I mean, I kinda saw some vessels, but it was about as clear as a picture of Bigfoot. That's one of the coolest things we've done. Looking at the ear drum (tympanic membrane) was pretty cool as well. These are the 'fun' physical skills that everyone assumes we learn in the first week of school. We have no idea what we're looking for or hearing when we listen to the heart, but dammit! I know where to listen at least.

Is it bad that I get excited when class doesn't start at 8am? I know only like 20 of us are actually at those 8am classes, but still, it's nice when I get to "sleep in". Tomorrow's 9:15. That's fantastic.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Happy Green Light Day!

You know what's awesome? When you drive somewhere and hit only green lights the entire time. That's happened to me like 3 times this year, and it was amazing every time. There needs to be a phrase for that. 'Green light day' is super awful, but it's marginally better than 'green light bonanza'. We should celebrate the moments in life where little things go well. On the flipside, it does kinda suck that then I get to class way too early...

I hate it when I'm typing a website and I miss a letter or type ".ocm". I feel like my computer should be able to figure that one out. I know it goes to some Road Runner page where it suggests the correct website, but it should just go there and then have a little thing in the corner I can click in case I really meant "". Get it together computer, I should have to do as little thinking as possible.

I hate it when I get e-mails from the Gap or Borders about stuff. I know it takes a second to delete, but for some reason it really makes me mad. Maybe it's because I'm all excited I have 10 new e-mails, but only 2 of them I actually care about.

This chart is mostly correct, but it's not that I have no attention span, it's just that LOOK A SQUIRREL!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Completely Ruined It All....

Did you know that velociraptors were the size of turkeys and had feathers? Someone in class told me that, so I looked it up, and sure enough, it's true. I'm not sure I know how to feel about that. This is bigger than finding out there was no Boogy Man or that there were never any monsters under your bed: the one dinosaur that was actually able to displace the T-Rex as the most feared dinosaur was smaller than my dog and HAD FEATHERS. Imagine the scene from Jurassic Park where they're in the kitchens hiding from the raptors. You think they're safe until you realize that THE RAPTORS CAN OPEN DOORS! These aren't just some dumb animals, they're thinking, evil, killing machines. Even with the T-Rex you could just stand still as long as he didn't see you wetting yourself. These guys were different. These guys were for real. Now, imagine the scene again where the raptors can't even reach the doorknob. The angry raptor screams at the invincible door and feathers fly everywhere as it runs away in frustration. This totally destroyed a childhood memory and one of my greatest fears. I don't care if they're extinct, they're sneaky, and until recently, extremely dangerous. I'm not saying that they're harmless, I'm just saying it's the difference between Jason coming at you with a knife and Wee Man doing the same.

As I was cabbing to the reception this past weekend, the radio was playing the song 'Colors of the Wind'. "Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon? Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?" Yeah, that song. I was surprised that I knew nearly all of the lyrics still. I probably haven't heard that song in 6 years, maybe more, but I knew it immediately after hearing one line. There really isn't a punchline to this one, I was just amazed. And if you now have the song stuck in your head, bonus.

I've flown a bunch in the past year or so for interviews and whatnot, and I think the worst part of travelling is just how inconvenient it is now. Individually, I wouldn't care that I have to take off my shoes, or I can't bring water onto the plane, or I have to take my laptop out of it's case, or I can't have rubbing alcohol in my bag, or I have to listen to the damn announcement about not carrying items from 'unknown persons'. But take them all together and it just pisses me off. I've even been pulled aside and searched. I had extra time that trip, so I didn't care, but everything together makes that giant annoying hassle. I don't even mind sitting on an airplane for hours, I just hate all the crap that goes along with getting there. All that and how airlines charge for movies on the plane. Really guys? My $500 ticket couldn't spring for you to let me watch an infilght movie that maybe costs you $5 to show FOR THE ENTIRE PLANE? I know everyone's trying to save/get more money, but making me unhappy just encourages me not to fly.

I like how "Optional Learning Activities" = "Sleeping off a hangover"

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Social Etiquette

This has happened to me a few times lately and I'm wondering what's socially correct:

You run into someone you know, you're both walking the same direction, but they're on their phone.

What do you do? I'm ok with waving or saying hi, but once you both get in stride, do you just walk with them awkwardly and listen to their conversation? Do you attempt to not get in stride with them and speed up? If you can prevent the situation, do you hang back and wait till they're off their phone? I've done the 'awkwardly walking with someone' and the 'speed up after the initial greeting'. Neither felt right. One possible solution is to call someone from your phone so you're at least talking to someone. Extra points if you call the person you're walking with.

There was an article in Men's Health that talked about this guy who had to try to hit a target by throwing hatchets at it. Initially, they gave him a bunch of hatchets and told him to take as much time as he needed to try to get it right in the center. When they did it again, they had a table of hatchets and told him to throw them as fast as he could. Surprisingly, he did better when he didn't think. It's cool that your brain has those 'auto-pilot' mechanisms that were needed at some point in evolution. It's like if you're throwing a ball to someone, you never think about the distance, you just know how hard to throw it naturally. Complex calculations like that happen all the time.
Recent example: We were playing beer pong before formal and I went to swat a bounced ball across the room as hard as I could. Right before I hit it (arm in full motion) I realized that I was going to hit Damali in the face with the ball. It wasn't a "I hope that doesn't hit her." It was more of a "Damali's going to be pissed that I smoked her in the face with a ping pong ball." There was no doubt that it was going to fly right into her face, but it was too late to stop my swing. She was fine, it only got her in the cheek...

I had a spam message the other day where the subject was "write me back, bastard". Not gonna lie, it got my attention. One day, go through your spam and read the subject lines, it'll be entertaining, I promise. Most of them are ridiculous, but others promise things that only exist in fantasy. Things so amazing that even the idea that they might be real screams that they're not. Like "angelina jolie scarlett johansson sex tape".

Wouldn't it be cool to have a certain disease for a day? Just to see how it is and what it feels like. I think it'd help our clinical understanding, but much moreso, some would just be fun to mess with. Imagine if you had asteriognosis, how cool would that be? I know it'd be frustrating beyond belief to have permanently, but just for a bit, it'd be kinda neat. Or some of the balance disorders? I guess this would be more fun at parties. Then again, isn't impairing your senses the point of most parties?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Medical Sports Announcing

Happy Easter!

"He just broke through the line and sidestepped a linebacker. He's got some green in front of him, 3 more yards for the first down. The safety's coming in hard. He leaps! And OH WHAT A HIT!"

"Wow, Jim, he really took a beating on that one. You have to admire the effort of sacrificing his body for those extra yards. They're going to bring the chains out, but it looks like he got the first down."

"Hold on a minute, Neil, it doesn't look like he's getting up. The trainers are running out onto the field to check him out. Let's go to the replay to see what happened."

"OOOO, the hit is clean, but he comes down at a funny angle. This does not look good. I've seen plenty of those in my days of playing, and that's almost for sure a torn medial lemniscus."

"I think you're right. His whole body just crumpled as the safety came down on him. This could be pretty serious. You hate to see the star player taken out so early in the season."

"You're right, Jim, I bet right now he doesn't even know what position he plays. Or even what state he plays that position in."

"Too true, Neil. This is going to cause repercussions throughout the entire league. Such a young athlete... He won't even realize the effects of the vibrations caused by his absence for weeks to come."

"Just look at his face, you can tell he's in a lot of pain. He may not know exactly where he's feeling, but he sure knows something's hurting."

"One of the trainers has an ice pack on him. Hopefully that cold will soothe his pain some and stop further swelling of his lemniscus."

"This is such a tragedy. But to try to find some bright side, if that tear was just a little higher up, he'd wouldn't be feeling any pain at all. You gotta be thankful for what you do have sometimes."

When I was younger, my siblings and I used to get lots of candy twice a year: Halloween and Easter. The added benefit of that was that we all knew how to play poker and used our candy as chips. We'd ante jelly beans and raise a peep or two, but if you ever threw in a Cadbury Cream Egg, it was like going all in. And if someone ever called, so there were two cream eggs in the'd be like the last table with Phil Hellmuth calling Daniel Negreanu's all in on a nut flush.

I recently discovered the glory of Pandora. It's nice because I'm rarely in my car, but now I can listen to music all the time. I'm waiting for online TV to go mainstream. I know there is stuff now, but I mean just straight up streaming channels from Have you tried to watch stuff on there or on ABC's episode watcher? It's terrible. It's like the only thing I've found that can actually crash Firefox.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

More exam upsides

I wrote about before how much more I enjoy the Fail Blog around exam times just because of stress and being overly tired. Marginal stress and lack of sleep this week showed me a new site that has potential for common use. is exactly what it says it is. Granted, most of these aren't that funny, but go through a few of them, you'll laugh and then go back for more. This was the 4th one that came up just now, "this neded mor ball kciking." How is that not hilarious? It's a combination of extreme immaturity, complete disregard for spelling, and a true statement. Homer Simpson said it best, "Barney's video had heart, but a football in the groin had a football in the groin." Another quote from the site, "i am bleeding out of my penis" I can't even imagine what that was in response to. It could be anything, and that's why it's so good.

I also like exams because after you're done, usually that Friday night, you just relax. There isn't that nagging feeling that you need to read to keep up or that sense of impending doom. You have plenty of time till the next round of exams. "I'm going to watch dumb stuff on TV and then drink myself silly tonight." It's that pleasant feeling that can only come from intense stress. It wouldn't feel nearly as good without exams. It's like that sense of relief you get after your car spins out on the ice in the middle of the road, but you don't hit anything. Without the possibility of being t-boned, it's just not that scary. Compare that to whipping doughnuts on the ice in a parking lot. Yeah, it's a lot of fun, but it'd be even more fun if you had a few random light poles out there.

You know how the internet is awesome? You could think of anything at all in life, and the internet will never let you down. This game is one of those times where the inherent greatness of the internet shine through:

You can probably read from the site the premise of the game. ("beams" refers to lasers) Also, I'm trying to come up with a sentence filled with more win. "Robot dinosaurs that shoot laser beams when they roar." Here's what I came up with:

Bigfoot breakdancing at a preschool recital.

Bodysurfing on a tsunami....of fire.

Bacon flavored shampoo, with real bits of bacon.

Seven ninjas overtaking a pirate ship, but instead of peg-legs, the pirates have chainsaws.

(Ok, I might have stolen some of that last one from Army of Darkness.)

I was talking to my friend today and hearing about her day. During the conversation I made the observation that while everyone else in my life is doing normal things (going to class, selling insurance, working for a computer company) I'm taking a chisel to a human skull. And it's totally normal. At this point there's nothing more we could do that's going to be disturbing. I just accept the fact that during the day I go to school and do things that would horrify most people. Then again, working in an office would kind of horrify me.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

That's right, I'm making that bet

You know how Gross doesn't make sense until the night before the exam? That was worrisome for the first exam or so, but then we all knew how it went and didn't freak out when we didn't know what we were talking about 2 days before the exam. I'm kinda banking on B&B being like that too. I realize that's not a bet you want to be wrong on, but I'm so ridiculously unprepared, I've just gotta go with it. The only reason I didn't run out of the Friday review session screaming was because everyone else in the room was also laughing at the fact that they didn't know anything. Nothing comforts me more than knowing I'm not the only clueless one.

I love it when Dr. Giffin says during class, "It's not like this is rocket science." No, it's not rocket science it's BRAIN SURGERY! I can only imagine what the professors at Purdue say during their lectures. "Now, to find the proper trajectory you take the Fourier transformation of this eliptic curve and then triply integrate it using non-infinity restraints, you'll end up with a cube root of a Fibonacci number. Seriously, you should all be able to do this, it's not brain surgery."
(Note: That sentence laden with random mathematical terms probably sounds something like this "If you trace the path of the basal ganglion through the cerebellar-ilial junction, you'll notice some ptosis of the left lateral brachial plexus resulting from a stage 4 Trendelenburg's sign.")

So the other day I was opening a pickle jar, and it was really hard to open. Not like when a girl is being lazy, so she has you open it for her but legitimately difficult. I check for a plastic seal, didn't see one, so I really started to torque it around, still nothing. I break out the big guns for the next attempt and hear this crinkling noise. That tipped me off that something had to be off, so I checked again and sure enough, there was a plastic seal on it. Though I felt like an idiot, that was cancelled out by being proud of my manly ability to be stronger than the plastic sealant.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Hey, can I have a rum..................and coke."
The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big pause?"
The bear says, "Oh these? I was born with them."
(Say it out loud....)

Why do you feel better when everything is clean? I went on a cleaning spree last week, and for whatever reason, life is happier. Looking at the gleaming white of my bathroom brings joy to my heart. There has to be some reason for that. Satisfaction that I did a good job? Inherent feelings of responsibility? Knowing that I'm not continuing to live in filth? I really hope that gets covered sometime during Brain and Behavior...

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Like Middle School, but Without Recess

If you've ever seen me drunk (or in Micro/BB lab) you've seen me go on some quite extensive rants. Some of them are ridiculous (blueberry yogurt) but most of them are just venting. This will be the latter:
What's up with this 3rd grade busy work? I understand the concept of team-based learning, but having to put together WEEKLY Powerpoints is a little much. Maybe if we didn't have other stuff to do, but I mean we forget enough as it is, without having to fill our time with mechanical ridiculousness. And, I do think drawing the primitives helps, but for some reason I'm against them FORCING us to do it. Why don't they just sit us in a room with an atlas and if our eyes wander off the page, they shock us? As much as I appreciated my afternoons off during the physician's office experience before, spending 5 hours today shadowing a doctor cut into time I really need to spend on other things. Maybe the shadowing I do on my own makes me appreciate this experience less, but I was in the ER for 8 and a half hours on Saturday night, so I think I'm getting in my clinical hours. This current experience seems overly excessive. And I almost fell asleep twice. With patients in the room. If we're going to regress back into our primary school roots, let me have nap time, then I'll be more aware during the time that I am awake. Since I hadn't eaten in 7 hours, I came home, ate, immediately fell asleep, woke up, and then got to work. That was like 9:30 when I actually started doing stuff I needed to do. I haven't reviewed the lectures for today, and there's no way I'm going to. (Don't even bother pointing out that I seem to have enough time to blog. That's completely irrelevant.) My only saving grace is that we have CFMP tomorrow morning, so there's no pre-reading for that. And, by the way, don't forget that we have an exam next week.

All those points above aside, I actually like the primitives. I think most of us have photographic memories, so they're just exploiting that fact, which is really intelligent. That was one of the fun things about being in med school, when we were discussing one day that we all have photographic memories. No time before this was I around so many people that could understand the concept of rotating things in their mind or 'reading their notes from memory'. And isn't it just a kick in the pants when you're taking an exam and you can picture the entire Powerpoint slide except that one word you need? It's usually blanked out like some practice slide in my mind. And that just pissed me off more because my brain decided to retain everything except that one word. I don't care that the background was a pretty shade of blue, I need to know what that channel was named.

I think it's cool having the brains in lab, but I can't help but be wary. Do we know where they got those brains from? They claim they're from last years cadavers, but what if they got them from the Ministry of Magic? Apparently anyone can break into the Department of Mysteries, so these brains might attack at any moment. Seriously, that was one of the things that bothered me most about Order of the Phoenix. It'd be like writing a book where the CIA headquarters was deserted and a group of 15 year olds breaks in and has free roaming access. "But that room spins!" Yeah, that really seemed to slow them down. That had to be the most half-assed magic defensive ever devised. Did some child win a contest where he got to design the security system and chose to base it off of a carnival ride where the room spins and everyone is stuck to the wall? And where was the security guard? AN ENTIRE GROUP OF DEATH EATERS JUST WALTZED INTO THE MINISTRY WITHOUT ANY RESISTANCE. Seriously, as much as wizards bash electricity, a couple of security cameras would have at least done something. And why didn't they lock that door? And not with some broom closet lock that can be Alohomoraed through, but some serious sealing magic. That's where you need the specialist who can hack his way through the electronic key reader. No, the door probably had a padlock with the key under the 'Welcome to the Department of Mysteries' mat. The only thing worse than the unbelievability of the whole situation was the movie. That was easily the coolest scene in the entire book and the movie skips the entire thing. That scene should have taken at least 45 minutes. They skipped the entire spinning room, the brain room, and the time room. It's as though the producers think I'm going to mind a 4 hour long Harry Potter movie. "Well, we have an incredible fan base that's willing to go to midnight showings in costume. This series created international dialogue on the loyalty of Snape, and is one of the best selling books of all time. I bet they just want a 2 hour movie that glosses most of the points. I mean, doubling our profits would be nice and all, but we're lazy." Seriously, the don't even have to write the script, it's already there. And I understand your concerns that younger children won't be able to sit through a 3 hour film. Then just release two, 2 hour films 6 months apart. Everyone would go see both of them and it would immediately double your profits. And then everyone would be happy because they got to see their favorite scenes and didn't have to have their bladder explode in the theater. Win-Win. Finally for the 7th movie they got it right and are making it a two parter. Seriously, the Harry Potter series is on par with the Lord of the Rings in its epicness and cultural relevance. The producers have a social responsibility to do this properly. Sadly, people are going to see the movies either way, and they know this, so there's no accountability.

The show American Dad isn't altogether that funny, but at least once an episode I laugh out loud. They were going through a list to make sure they had everything:

"Wire cutters?"
"What do you do to yourself before you wreck yourself?"