Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Never Close Under Any Circumstances

Messages sent in other emergency situations:

There is a sniper on the roof of Eden Garage. Med students, please use caution, and possibly Kevlar, when entering the building.

MSB is currently on fire. Please bring any water you have from home and flame retardant clothing.

There is a full power outage in the MSB. The backup generators were lost last night during a very escalated game of poker. Candles will be provided.

In what can only be described as 'Jurassic Parkesque' seven raptors have escaped from UC's Amber Recovery Project. They seem to have made their way to the MSB. They can open doors and are extremely intelligent. Please do not try to fight them. Jeff Goldbloom will be sent over shortly.

I love the game Scategories. I'm excited for the next time I play and the category "Body Part" comes up. "Oh, a V came up, VERIFORM APPENDIX!" "What's that? Z? ZYMOGEN GRANULES!" "ABDOMINAL AORTA! That's 2 points, bitches!"

I was about to go on a rant about Physio's interchanging use of "Iodine" and "Iodide" but as I was googling them I found out "Iodide" is the -1 ion of Iodine. Don't I feel silly.

You know those awesome moments that you have, but you're by yourself? I was making pancakes the other day, and I had one that took up the whole pan. "I can totally flip this by just flipping the pan. Spatulas are for sissies." And I totally did. I gave a good fist pump and moved on. So today I was making brinner and I tried it again. And failed. Not like 'pancake on the floor, tears in my eyes' fail, but it only got half over. Not to be bested, I had to try again on the next pancake. Current record 2 for 3.

Does anyone else think Micro is getting lazy? The ovary looks like a bunch of scribbles. It's like towards the end of this they lost heart and just kinda half-assed the tissue structure.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Stomach Size and Repro Lectures

After opening the abdomen and looking at the size of the stomach, I was surprised at the size of the stomach. I was even more surprised that I managed to eat two Qdoba burritos in one sitting. That thing's like a balloon.

You know how you just make food but it's too hot to eat, but you're really hungry, so you take a bite anyway? Then the food is burning your mouth and you sit there with your mouth open, eyes watering trying to cool it down by breathing. I do this way too often. Sometimes more than once during the same meal. I always feel stupid too because learning that hot things burn you is a skill you pick up when you're 2. I was somewhat relieved when Bill did the exact same thing later that day.
BONUS TIP: If the food's really hot, you can blow steam out of your mouth and pretend you're a dragon.

I always thought would be a great name for a gay porn site.

I used to be super tragic at spelling and somehow I got better at it when I was in high school. I think that happens when you turn 18. Anyway, there are still words I can't spell. Like common words. Like 'necessary'. Sometimes when I'm writing a note or something I'll have to change the sentence specifically so I don't have to write a word. Also, 'genius' and 'nauseous' are like the most impossible words ever. Something fun you might not know, 'facetious' has all 5 vowels in order. If you're gonna be that guy and say that 'y' is a vowel, just make it an adverb.

You know what I hate? Selfish computer windows. Windows that feel the need to pop to the front every time they do something. Thank you, AIM, I know you just signed in, that's what happens when I press the 'sign in' button. I don't need you to update me and show me you did it right. Stay in the back where you belong.

I was greatly saddened to realize that I no longer appreciate a lecture about vaginas. We had an hour long lecture where they showed pictures of vaginas and I fell asleep like 3 times. I am not too mature to make jokes though, that's just crazy talk. If I went back in time and told my 12-year old self about this, he'd be thrilled. I would have made a calendar counting down the days until this lecture. '4382 days to go!' (For those of you checking my math, there wasn't a leap year in 2000 because of the weird calendar rules.)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Anonymous Madlib

Dear (respectful title) Giffin,

I am a huge (noun that rhymes with spooshbag). I didn't realize that medical school was going to be hard. I am also not willing to have a (noun) with you about my opinions, like an adult. You are a/an (adjective) teacher and spend lots of time (verb with -ing) us with our studies. Since I have (number less than one) friends, I need to complain to you about my problems. I also have no (body part, plural) or self respect, so I have to send this anonymously. How is learning clinical knowledge helpful in my future career? Also, I believe that professionalism is (adjective). Further, (completely false accusation about Dr. Giffin). Dr. Lim is also (adjective). How dare she offer to explain things in lab. That is (adjective). Since I am (adjective) I refuse to go to lab except during the scheduled time. This is my only contact with real people. In conclusion, I am a (noun) and will personally insult the (adjective) teachers we have at this (adjective) institution.

(noun, pick something more spineless than a worm)

Here's mine:

Dear Esteemed Dr. Giffin,

I am a huge douchebag. I didn't realize that medical school was going to be hard. I am also not willing to have a civilized conversation with you about my opinions, like an adult. You are a/an amazing teacher and spend lots of time helping us with our studies. Since I have negative 37 friends, I need to complain to you about my problems. I also have no balls or self respect, so I have to send this anonymously. How is learning clinical knowledge helpful in my future career? Also, I believe that professionalism is poopy. Further, I heard you eat kittens. Dr. Lim is also a great teacher who is dedicated to her students. How dare she offer to explain things in lab. That is extremely helpful. Since I am moronic I refuse to go to lab except during the scheduled time. This is my only contact with real people. In conclusion, I am a wagonwheel and will cowardly insult the great teachers we have at this fine institution.


After dissection the colon, I had to wonder, do any of my friends go to school and get their hands covered in human feces? I know some nurses, so maybe. I guess my niece Kaitlin has gotten me before, but that's a little different. Cleaning out the bowel was pretty gross, not gonna lie. Ours didn't smell at least...

Have you ever read one of the clinical boxes and noticed a symptom that makes no sense at all? Gross Anatomy, Page 58 talking about an abdominal aortic aneurysm, "sudden onset of severe, central abdominal pain that may radiate to the back; a pulsatile, tender abdominal mass; and hypotension and delirium." DELIRIUM?! Where does that come from. "Yes yes, pain, pulsatile tender mass makes sense. Hypotension, he's losing a lot of blood, and delirium. Wait, what? How does that even make sense? It's like they needed another symptom and just rolled a dice. "Alright, a stab wound to the chest will give copious bleeding, searing pain, and an uncontrollable urge to sing showtunes."

Do friends ever ask you for medical advice? Mine do all the time. Unless they have a heart problem, an ECG, lung issues, and lots and lots of medical data, I cannot help them. I usually just WebMD it and then tell them that I looked it up. Still, they keep coming back. I have 'History of Present Illnessed' a friend of mine. I was totally channeling Dr. Ricer. It offered no help because my last line is always "Let me take this to my attending, and we'll see what we can do for you."

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Formal was SWEET!

Formal was a great time yesterday. The Phoenix is really nice and the room was just the right size. I had random flashbacks to Prom, but that's not completely a bad thing. Anyone else go to Taco Bell afterwards? That's never a good idea looking back... We gotta push for a Homecoming dance in the fall next year.

I wonder if I'm actually a better dancer after I've been drinking. I know I think I am, but that's probably just the 12 jello shots talking. A little bit of alcohol does have good effects. Darts and beer pong are much easier after a few drinks. After a few more, however, my skills decrease drastically, but there is some benefit. I think I am a better dancer when I'm drunk. Or at least everyone else's standards go down enough when we've been drinking, so I seem more acceptable. I hope Giffin gives an entire lecture on this in Brain and Behavior. That's the fun stuff we learn in med school. I love telling my friends random cool facts. "Your kidneys can make blood if your body really need them to." "That feeling when your thigh gets stroked is from the cremaster muscle." "If you sat naked in a room at 60 degrees, your core body temperature wouldn't change. I think you have to cover up your junk with a magazine for that to work though..."

You know how sometimes you see something really funny, but it's ridiculously nerdy, so you have nobody to tell. Also, ask me about the 'Gold' joke sometime. It'll make no sense if I type it, so I won't try.

We were in Gross Lab the other day finishing up some stuff and during the 45 minutes I was in there I broke 4 gloves. Jodi advised me not to have sex that night.
GIRL: Why are you wearing 7 condoms?
ME: It's a long story...just trust me.

Our running joke during dissection whenever we touch the spleen is that we can feel the Cords of Billroth. Also, did you see him in lecture? He's the most badass doctor I've ever seen. This is from his Wiki page:
"He was directly responsible for a number of landmarks in surgery, including the first esophagectomy (1871), the first laryngectomy (1873), and most famously, the first successful gastrectomy (1881) for gastric cancer, after many ill-fated attempts. Legend has it that Billroth was nearly stoned to death in the streets of Vienna when his first gastrectomy patient died after the procedure."
HE SURVIVED A STONING! Are you kidding me? I don't care that is says "legend has it". The legend probably was down playing it. Later that week he probably killed a T-Rex with his bare hands to stop it from attacking an orphanage.

Seriously, who named the cardiac glands? That's like one of those trick questions. "How many years did the Hundred Years War last?" "Uhhh, 100?" "WRONG! It's actually 116!" Seriously guys, are you trying to make this confusing?

There was this little girl in Church today that escaped from her mom and was running down the center aisle. That happens from time to time and is usually funny, but this was even funnier because the mom's shoes were super echoey. There was no sneaking after her daughter, every step screamed "LOOK OVER HERE!!!"

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

TCA and Energy Drinks

So I'm probably going to update on Sundays and Wednesday night or Thursday. I suppose that's better than the previous update schedule, "Whenever I damn well feel like it."

I often wonder about the makers of AMP Energy Drink. Do they have any idea what your body actually uses for energy?

So these 8am classes are killing me. I keep falling asleep in class like this is high school all over again. I did take a 3 hour nap when I got home. Aren't those the best? You know you're too tired to study, so you decide to lay down for a bit. 'A bit' turns in to an hour and then before you know it, it's 8pm. It just feels so good to keep sleeping. I have yet to take a nap where I couldn't have gone for another hour.

Only in medical terms is 'hormone' not a dirty word.

Does anyone else think "Dr. Montrose" is the most badass name for a doctor. "Hello, I'm Doctor Montrose." I would immediately trust him with my only child. Even if he was being followed around by a camera crew wearing "Dateline" shirts, his name just instills trust in me. Also, the donuts today were amazing. I like that kind of dedication and just a nice treat for the class. Too bad Dr. Giffin didn't get us fillet mignon when he mentioned that in class today.

So, in undergrad Biochem we went over the Citric Acid Cycle. We mostly called it the "Citric Acid Cycle" but occasionally it was referred to as the "TCA Cycle". And honestly, up until this year, I thought TCA stood for "The Citric Acid." Don't laugh at me....

Monday, January 12, 2009

Jack is Back

Tonight is the second night of the 2-day, 4 hour premier of 24. When I was in Sri Lanka last year I was in the Cardiothoracic Surgery Unit for a week. They abbreviated it CTU. That was the greatest week of my life. If you're curious the inner working of CTU, follow the link. If you're a 24 fan, you won't be disappointed.

Today in class we revisited my favorite protein, calbindin. I imagine the meeting after they discovered it went a little something like this:

"Congratulations, Dr. Johnson! You just solved a step in the calcium transport pathway. Now, as you know, you get to name the protein. Are you thinking 'Johnson's Transport Protein'? 'Protein of Johnson'? 'Big Doc Johnson's Mystery Factor'?"

"No, I think I'm going to go with 'calbindin'"

*blank stare*

"Really, the protein binds calcium, I can't think of a better name."

"Get out."

A few weeks ago I was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and when I went to swallow, the chunk got stuck in my esophagus. I wasn't choking, even if I felt like it, it just got stalled on its path to my stomach. After a little bit, the ridiculous feeling of 'I'm going to die' subsided and the food passed into my stomach. That was kinda weird. So in class last week Dr. Giffin (I think) was talking about how after you swallow, it takes about nine seconds before the food actually gets into your stomach. I was like, "Wow, mystery solved." I also drank more water while eating after that.

If you can't remember Ferric from Ferrous, remember that FerrOUS has LESS of a charge. I still remember that from Freshmen year of high school. Also, that makes like no sense if it's written. Say it out loud, it's way better that way.

I've started running again because I feel like I need more cardio in my workouts. The first 3 days were pretty bad, but today went much better. If I distract myself with music, my body doesn't realize what I'm doing, so there's much less complaining. And mind you, I'm only running 2 miles. We have a lot of runners in our class, and I know that's a disappointment. I just hate running. "Haven't you ever gotten the 'runner's high'?" No, never. Not once. It's like explaining drinking to someone who doesn't get drunk, but still pukes from alcohol.
"Dude, drinking's awesome! I feel invincible!"
"No, this is horrible. Why am I doing this?"
"Keep drinking, man, you'll feel it eventually. Let's do shots!"
*Puking loudly*

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Random Thoughts and Fun Words

Do you ever justify watching House by telling yourself it's just like studying? I do all the time. One episode Cameron was talking about test results and mentioned PT and PTT times. BOOYAH! That prolonged PT time suggests a clotting problem in the extrinsic pathway. (Just now I had to look up which pathway the PT time tests for. That wasn't even that long ago....) Knowing what House is talking about or understanding some disease JD has to deal with on Scrubs give me those little wins that get me through the days. I'd make a reference to Grey's Anatomy, but I've only seen one episode. Share any moments of "I'm becoming a doctor!" in the comments section.

Was anyone else really disappointed that Dr. Michaels's little history lesson on Morgagni wasn't an elaborate lead up to a pun? I was. I paid the most attention to that part of the lecture because I was waiting for a punchline. It wouldn't even have been hard. "And despite the fact that we call them 'rectal columns of Morgagni', he wasn't actually an asshole." Also, he totally took that picture from lecture off of Wikipedia.

I definitely gave the Irish Goodbye last night at Hofbrauhaus. ( I tend to do that a lot, and people here aren't used to it yet. Just because I disappear doesn't mean I'm dead. I probably just walked home. Or, since I was in Covington, I took a cab with a nice Somalian cab driver. I think he was a little freaked out by my level of drunkenness. I also had to try really hard not to ask him about Black Hawk Down.

Words that are fun to say:






Saturday, January 10, 2009

Break and Back

So the first few days of break I definitely had a tough time calming down. Watching TV without also reading was kinda weird. However that feeling went away quickly, and I learned to embrace the boredom. Other things embraced: sleep, homemade food, and rum and cokes.

I dream a lot. Over break I had the 'slept through a final' dream. Which became ever more confusing when I woke up and realized I was far away form Cincinnati. There was no way I'd make it back in time. That was honestly my first thought when I shot awake and was sitting on the edge of the couch. The other night I had a dream that I was back in my 8th grade classroom except that it was filled with people from class. Everyone was laughing at me because I answered a question wrong in class. We don't even answer questions in class. We were then all in an airplane which crashed into a swamp. Eric Groh was flying it. He seemed more concerned about losing his job due to the crash rather than the fact that he just crashed a plane. Eric, seriously, you gotta get your priorities straight.

So now we're back into Gross, I'm appreciating the nomenclature. "Gastrosplenic ligament" There's no question about where that thing's going. "Peyer's Patches"? "Sandhoff Disease"? Guys, I'm happy you figured stuff out (Less for Dr. Peyer, you just saw some lymphoid tissue and thought everyone should know your name....) but naming something after yourself is a little bit much. At least Christmas Disease is named after the guy who first had it. Incidentally, I think Santa has the worst case of Christmas Disease of all time. Rivalled only by the epidemic in Whoville so many years ago.

The table next to mine in Gross Lab got a new body yesterday. They just opened the bag and a new guy was in there. I feel like they should have been warned. They'd known Candy 1 for months, and now she's gone. Not even an e-mail. Do you think that's how all the catterpillar's friends feel after he goes into the cacoon? "Dude, you could have at least warned us."

Have you seen the commercial for the Snuggie? Even beyond the fact that the idea is ludicrous, everyone in the commercial looks like they're in a cult. The commercial is on their site:|SM|GO|TM|. If I saw some kid's parents at a soccer game wearing those, I'd be genuinely concerned. And God forbid the mom make Kool-Aid for the team.